Living With Death

All my life, death has been my background noise – whether as my private friend, or the reality of losing others, or knowing I was so often close to death.

Death has never frightened me – though failing to die does, pain and terror does – I do not kill myself coz I refuse to give up.

Giving up would mean men who made the choice to say I was nothing, that I was just holes to filled, just living porn. These men loved to fuck the living dead.

Death was everywhere when I was prostitute. It was my wallpaper.

Death was there as prostituted women and girls disappeared. My mind blanks out how many have disappeared that I knew of – let allow the millions that disappeared know or unknown to me in my lifetime.

The prostituted woman or girl lives with death drowning out all her hope, and fight to exit, as her norm. She knows her death is seen as nothing by society – so pimps and punters have the freedom to kill her at any time, in any place, for any feeble excuse.

Many punters murder for the simple reason, that they cannot be bothered to pay the prostitute. He wants to make a porn toy, he wants a sex slave that will not and cannot say no to any and all his sadist fantasy. He wants fuck her till he get bored or tired – but not pay to her, why bother, just throw her away.

That is what is hidden as “research” is done into the endless murders of the prostituted. Instead, there is the search for the myth of the mad/bad punter who murders prostitutes – and of course, it usually only of interest if he is a serial killer or kills in a particular sick way.

The reality that prostitutes live with is that the punters or pimps that are the most likely to murder them are very ordinary men.

They are just men that believe the myths that prostitutes are sub-humans, that prostitutes are just a commodity that will be discarded after use. That is an ordinary belief in all societies that normalise the sex trade.

If no-one challenge the male demand for prostitution – the bodies of the prostituted will continue to pile high, for their deaths will continue to be made invisible.

I was threatened with death countless times when I was prostituted or made to be inside porn. And I know the coldness and banal hate of those men that kill prostitutes.

Most prostitutes are not killed by the “mad/bad” serial killer – most are killed by one man killing one prostitute at a time.

Death is just considered the risk that is to be inside the sex trade. Far too women inside the sex trade never make it to 28.

28 can be an age when many prostitutes may begin to realise they may have a life – they may fight for a future which is damned hard to believe in.

How many of the prostituted that are murdered by one punter or one pimp – are remembered, have their murders reported, are spoken about that they were more than another dead whore?

Speak the truth – and if lucky it is round 4% of all the prostitutes that murdered by just one man who only kill one prostitute.

Men who threatened me with killing me – whether pimps or punters – thought it would funny to kill a whore. I was told endlessly, no-one gives a shit about some whore getting killed, it just clearing the rubbish away.

That is what many exited women live with, it that reality we attempt to bury, that we don’t speak out about – we can only say the surface level of that if we know we may be believed, and it will not be made normal again to say killing prostitutes is no big deal.

Yeah – I know I wasn’t killed. But it was just luck – what is hard to live with is many prostitutes are murdered by that same luck. There is no safety for any women or girl in the sex trade, it just the throwing down of the cards whether you are killed or not.

These murders are not prevented by prostituted women and girls reading the body language of the punters, pimps, managers or porn producers. That may give her the delusion of control – but if a man has decided to kill her, he will toss her control aside.

All the harm reduction in the world does so little to prevent these murders – for most harm reduction is sending the message to profiteers and punters that the sex trade will run business as usual – including making the sadistic violence invisible.

Putting prostitution indoors certainty does nothing prevents the murders. Most murders of women and girls is done indoors – in flats, in hotel rooms, in porn studio, in back rooms of sex clubs, in brothels, and any other place that will be private.

How the hell would being put in room where men know the prostitute/porn performer is their property ever be safe. Why is anyone ever surprised that so many women and girls in the sex trade are murdered indoors?

If we refuse to confront the male demand to have the prostituted class – if we always make excuses for punters, make excuse for consuming sadistic porn, makes excuses for the profiteers of the sex trade – then the murders will always be so normal they go unreported.

I am ill with this disregard.