Porn Mapped Me

I am going to write from my gut, from my restlessness – I am going to write how porn is inside me, even as I spend a lifetime attempting to sick out all the poison that porn forced into me.

I say it mapped me – I say coz if I was laid my body down, I would have every inch of my body is coursing with porn I do not want.

Porn formed me, porn made me lose who I am, porn ripped into me, porn was a place I escaped by the skin of my teeth.

And now, I am in the world that is outside of porn – and everywhere porn is celebrated, is made normal, I hear everywhere that is fun and harm-free.

I am living evidence of the harm – I and thousands of other women who were lucky enough to exit, and have the strength to speak out.

Yes, we do speak out – only the din of those supporting porn drowns us out.

We do speak loudly and in a clear consistent voice – but the sex trade and its supporters makes a hurricane of their propaganda of porn being fun, safe, high earner, freely chosen and women-lead blow away our words.

But through we are constantly silenced, we will not shut up.

We cannot be at rest knowing every minute of every day, some consumer somewhere is watching real-life sexual torture, real-life injuries and pain, real-life rapes, real-life beating ups and real-life life and death “games”.

We cannot be at rest as our bodies scream that no fantasy, that is not acting, those are not plastic women – that is watching the sexual brutalisation of a woman just for entertainment or to get your rocks off.

Every time any consumer uses mainstream porn, he/she is being part of a market that gets huge profits from sexual torture. Even if looks non-violent to you, it usually a part of an industry that is destroying women every single day.

I am sick of hearing excuses for consuming porn from adults – none of you have the courage to say the truth – that you just don’t care, coz you make it into fantasy and make out that those women are not real – so, hey presto, no harm is done.

Well, I know of many testimonies, essays, poems, speeches and other written records of brave exited women from porn that would show you it was no fantasy for them.

But their voices have been silenced and made almost invisible.

What I will write of my experience I only write coz it so common. I write again what other exited women have said, I write in the hope that some time our voices will be discovered and place in the fore whenever porn is discuss.

Not just seen as an afterthought.

I was shown hard-core porn at a very young age.

Being embedded inside porn, when too young to reason or place it inside an adult context – I saw porn for what it really is, not what it pretends to be.

I saw it was not acting, though it was staged. I saw real pain, I saw real fear, I saw real injuries – but what worse I saw real dead eyes.

I saw but maybe had no words for – that mainly women and children were being made into trash; mainly women and children were being damaged by objects, mouths, fists and penises going in every hole in their bodies; mainly women and children were getting posed to look happy, when I saw and know they were in hell.

A child sees clearly, but has no power to speak – just see that horror, and knows she will be next.

It saddened me how many women I know or hear about who were later inside the sex trade, were shown hard-core porn as a child, or what is named as mainstream porn.

Let me say loud and clear that being shown that horrific porn was my basis training to be a prostitute – more than the later sexual abuse by my stepdad – for it taught that pain and hate was all that my body was worth.

When I was abused by my stepdad, he was clever, for he was “gentle” – well compare to what I had seen in Hustler, what he had read me from de Sade, to endless sexual tortures that burnt inside of my mind.

By showing me hard-core porn first – it meant when my stepdad made me his sexual slave, I always thought well it not as bad as those pictures, at least I’m not dead.

That is what porn does when it is made real – it destroys any self-worth, any concept of hope and it makes the victim thinks as long she is breathing, it not so bad then.

How dare anyone class porn as harm-free, without listening to many women and girls who sexually brutalised in the name of porn.

Now, I reach my point of utter fury and despair – the constant disconnect of prostitution from porn, when they are hand in glove.

You speak to any exited prostituted woman, who did it long-term. You will hear, if don’t speak over her, how most punters want or demands whatever is fashionable in mainstream porn.

They are wanting sex that will and does damage women’s bodies, they are wanting sex to pour hate into her body, they are wanting sex to feel they are conquering her.

That is never sex – that is just porn at its essence.

Who do you think are the “actresses” in most porn – just random women off the street who just love “rough” sex – or women who embedded so much inside the sex trade that they are dead to their bodies, and have given up caring.

Prostituted women are continually moved around all aspects of the sex trade – and many prostitutes are the “actresses” you choose to view on porn.

It can be framed as safer than working on the streets, or it can be prostitutes being filmed as violent punters used them.

The porn industry will always used mainly women who are already in the sex trade – for they do not have to break them in. That is the brutal reality.

Also the porn producers often used prostituted women for they are so damaged by the continual violence and degradation of the sex trade – that will be cheap, coz they do have the self-worth to know how much money they should be getting.

The porn industry uses women already prostituted for they will do any brutal sexual act, being so alienated from their bodies – and they will not care about their own sexual, mental and physical welfare.

In other words, they are the perfect porn “star”.

Damn you – if you still think porn can be made ok.

Is it that your selfish need to wank over porn, or to imagine some dream-world of harmless porn is more important that destruction of the women inside porn.

I say again damn you.

Can you live with knowing about the severe internal injuries that are the norm for those in porn, that even those of us lucky to exit – live with pain as a shadow or destroying us on daily basis.

Would you live with our memories – memories of brutalisation being named as fun and chosen, memories of not knowing how the hell we are still alive but having to continue in our hell.

We had no safety, no rights to dignity, no voice, no idea of an escape – we just had survival.

And you call porn entertainment.

That is beyond selfish – that is saying we were and are sub-humans.

So yes we are bloody angry if you defend porn.