I am very afraid to know and see my past – but for my future I must do so.
I speak to a past where all male violence that was put inside me was never personal.
This is the root of what it is to be prostituted – nothing is ever personal, for the prostitute is never given the right to be a person.
No all hate and violence done to me was done to consumable goods, never to a human who could hurt, damaged and made terrified.
I look back at my past and how used I got to extreme torture, being on the edge of death and rapes so often it could be inside the language of rape.
That is the norm for any prostitute – it was not personal.
I lived in a world where prostituted women and girls vanish all the time.
It was never spoken of – to say out-loud made too real that murder was always round the corner.
There was a silence as we learnt to forget their friendships, their ability to see beyond being goods, and our briefs connections to hope or glimpses of some other life.
We could think of the disappeared – could let our minds imagine that if they were living it was more than likely in some worse corner of hell.
No, we made ourselves think those women and girls had never existed – coz we could bear the though that we would be next.
I want all readers of this blog to understand that to be inside the sex trade is to know death is always round the corner – I never afraid of death, just cold with terror of how punters or sex trade profiteers may kill me.
To be prostituted is to somehow to learn to switch off how many ways and how often can torture just one body – only to spread that tortures over as many of the prostituted as possible, and on the individual prostitute to make the torture lasts as long as possible.
To be prostituted is to know punters or consumers of porn, do not see a human but goods to perform on or to any sexual violence they can imagine.
It is never personal – just consuming goods.
To be prostituted is to know you just a lab rat, as punters, consumers and profiteers use your body and mind to see how pain, terror and torture a body can take without dying.
Though it is no matter when and if the prostituted die for she will replace by identical goods.
It is never personal – just business.
This is the hell that is the sex trade – please know those who gain from or consume the sex trade will never view the prostituted as human – only as goods that must be controlled.
Therefore there is little or no point for abolitionists to waste energy on trying to understand or negotiate with the sex trade lobby.
They have the minds and hearts of the slave masters – saying that the prostituted are goods to be consumed, move around for more profit or variety for the consumers.
I advise cutting off communication with the sex trade lobby, for they will never change their hateful views and will never let the prostituted class be fully human.
Instead focus on the exited women and allies who stand beside us – see our positivist approach despite our deep knowledge of hell.
Read our words, listen as we speak and learn that becoming an abolitionist is achievable.
It is a long and very hard road – but to bring about true freedom for the prostituted class we must be abolitionists, not just tinker with a few laws.
This is a rambling post – for I full of trauma, so it like getting back onto a bike.