I do not understand what it is to be human.
Of course, I know what it is to function in a human-like way. Of course, I can and do react to other human in a human way.
But, exiting prostitution and re-building some kind of a life is all about discovering all the small details of what being a human is.
I have written often that to be prostituted is to be made into sexual goods, is to be made sub-human.
This bare fact means nothing if you cannot get under the skin to be those goods.
I find it hard to express – all I know was I thought and believed that all I was an android.
A machine looking and acting human – but always without a will of her own, instead can only function by the commands of others.
I survived by believing I was a machine – I had to believed I had no feelings, I had no existence outside of punters, I had no past and no future.
To know I was human – a human who was continually raped, a human who was used to gang-rapes, a human who been nearly murdered several times, a human who was torture just for adult entertainment – that was impossible to bear.
Imagine being so hurt, so without hope, so damaged that all you have left is loose that you were ever human.
Imagine losing the will to think, but just live by doing whatever tell you to do – even as it places more damage and trauma inside your essence.
Imagine that and maybe you are beginning to know the hell of prostitution.
But how can an exited woman ever regain the simple right to be fully human – when she is always surrounded by reminders that her humanity is of no importance.
I can live a whole day without hearing, seeing and knowing that to be a prostitute, or to have been a prostitute – is to be nothing, it is to be less than nothing.
We are made the dog-shit you may wipe off your shoes, we are made trash as you look away from our genocide.
But we will become the ghost at your feast – the remainder that we exist, that you cannot brush the prostituted under the carpet, and think you have solve the problem.
I would say that metaphorical carpet is the demand and push to put all prostitution indoors.
I would say that metaphorical carpet is the constant way that punters and sex trade profiteers are made invisible – as you keep the prostituted so sub-human that all harm done to them is classed as fun, as choice, as a job.
Well, like Banco’s ghost – the prostituted class will not stop haunting you until we get full justice and freedom.
How can the prostituted ever know what it is to be truly human without access to basic human rights.
We never have the basic right to safety.
We cannot know a life without knowing what it is to raped so often, we can only survived and keep our sanity by not counting how much.
All I know, that most prostitutes or exited women I know of were raped in the hundreds or thousands – many were so often it should have the world weeping.
But instead – you cope with our reality by not knowing or hearing it was rape on an industrial scale.
You may say it was your job – what did you expect – but it cannot be rape if the punter pay for it.
You may say I cannot hear or know, but at the same time dig into our truths without seeing our trauma.
But mostly the terrible truth is that you lose sympathy – for we were raped too often, in too many ways, by too many men, for too many years.
It cannot be true – for a real woman would be dead or mad if she was really raped that often.
See, you by deciding to not believe our simple truths – see, how you have made the prostituted sub-human.
See, how you have the right words, are able to comfort when a woman is raped a few times.
But we are tainted by too many rapes – we get no comfort, rarely hear the right words – our pain, our grief, our rage is just toss away as an inconvenient reminder that we may be human.
Our safety is made unimportant – our lives mean nothing.
This is shown by the fact that the prostituted are highly likely to die in violent circumstances, most before they are 26.
Prostituted women and girls are 18 times more likely to be murdered than any group or section of other females.
But do read, speak or even care about the constant deaths and disappearances in all the prostituted class.
No, we are just throwaway goods – our deaths or disappearances are rarely recorded or even seen as news.
Our deaths or disappearances are not even recorded by feminists – we are too sub-human to even be a statistic.
This of course, plays into the hands of the sex trade profiteers – who know they dispose of unwanted prostitutes and nothing will done.
I was threatened with being made to “disappear” on a regular basis – it kept me in line.
The fear of being murdered is a constant in all prostitution, it is our norm to know we could kill any time and in any place.
All exited women live with the guilt of not being dead, when so many prostitutes we knew were killed or could not live.
Our shadow, and the force that make us into abolitionists – is wanting to give back for we have no idea why we lived, and others died.
This post is very hard, so i will end here.
I really want to know what my loyal readers and followers think – for my grief is too much or now.