It has been too hard to write, for finally I am coming into life.
I will be 50 on Monday, and this landmark is bringing out my grief and a rage that is blocking my words.
I feel I cannot understand what age is, for I do believe I came into life without rape, torture and wanting death until I was 30.
In many ways, I was born when I was 30, and that is a terrible truth to know.
Before being 30, I live to be what other people wanted and demanded that I be.
I was on automatic, breathing was proof of life, nothing else.
To survive the hell of prostitution, a hell that most women who been raped cannot imagine, a hell most women inside domestic violence cannot imagine.
To imagine, think into extreme torture – think concentration camps, think impacted wars, think constant gang-rapes, think so much torture that it is your norm.
To be tortured on the level that the vast majority of the prostituted are is feel and know all you are is holes and hands – your voice, your ability to create, your desire for another future, your access to knowing physical is stolen from you.
It is extreme torture that is made so normal that it is made invisible to all outsiders, or re-framed as empowerment, free choice and entertainment – a torture that has no language, no evidence and no-one believes it is that bad.
As the prostituted have their anuses, their mouths, their cunts, their whole bodies ripped at, bitten, penetrated inside all holes, laugh at, made to still as pain engulfs them – all that is made nothing, all that is happening to the non-human.
The prostituted are tortured so often that any protest is stolen – there is no point in saying or even thinking the language of no, when men are lining up to rape and torture until they get bored.
The prostituted are not given permission to be human enough to have their pain seen, not human enough to have their fear seen, not human enough to count as the rapeable let alone that they live inside extreme torture.
All this is inside my mental and physical block – the screaming and fury of having the normal torturing of the prostituted made invisible.
Know this torturing is the norm for the vast majority of the prostituted – do not believe the myth it is only “extreme” cases that the prostituted.
It is the norm that punters in any form of prostitution will rape – and these rapes are done in the thousands and for years for the majority of long-term prostituted.
It is rare that rape in prostitution is just vaginal penetration – it usually torture for the whole body and mind.
It is rape that copies porn, rape that makes the prostitute into nothing but dirt, rape that controls until the prostitute has no existence.
That is torture – to call it anything else is to make the lives of the prostituted invisible.
This is the norm in all forms of prostitution – it is not just so-called forced prostitution, it is not just prostituted who are imprisoned – it is all forms of prostitution.
This is because when societies make it the norm to buy and sell the prostituted – we have made a world where punters have full permission to do any violence to the prostituted without punishment or consequences.
There can nowhere safe for the prostituted in that environment.
I can only scream in despair.