The Men Inside Of Me

Always when writing on prostitution, the focus is keep well away from the punters. Well away from knowing who and what they are.

We keep the focus on the prostituted, keep the blame on the prostituted, look for a million and one reasons that any woman may become a prostitute.

See the prostitute – and ignore the men who are fucking her into near-death, and you may as well be honest and say you see no problem with prostitution, as long as it is not in your neighbourhood.

In this post, I will focus on the punters – I will attempt to give some images and memories of who and what these men were.

I want to say I write that every man who makes the decision to be a punter – to buy another human being for his sexual wants and greed – should be classed as a criminal.

He is a criminal whether he uses mental, physical or sexual violence or not – for he is having sex with a prostitute who has no access to full consent and is stripped of her basic human rights.

He is a criminal for he paying for the right to have a sexual slave.

He is a criminal for he has no interest or knowledge if the prostitute has been trafficked, if she is under-aged or not, if she is tortured by pimps or not, if all the money he give her is stolen by pimps or not, how times other punters have torture or rape her.

No punter is innocent – although most punters love to play the victim, love to act as if they are just sad and lonely, love to say how the prostitute controls them, and love to believe they just lost control.

What I and many exited women do not understand is why others make the choice to believe the word of a punter?

No-one buys a prostitute by accident – I don’t care how drunk they are, I don’t care if they claim they were just following the crowd.

You do not by accident hand over money, take the prostitute into a private space, fuck her or beat her, and then leave like it was no big deal.

What universe can buying the prostituted be done without awareness that she cannot say no, she may be under the control of others, she may be in a highly damaged state.

Making the choice to fuck a prostitute is nothing to do with wanting sex or having any respect for the prostitute – buying a prostitute is always knowing the punter has full control, and he can demand any sadist copy of porn he want.

Buying a prostitute is not buying human being – any humanity is her must be wiped away so he can imagine his hate and desire for power without the inconvenient of seeing she has emotions, may feel fear and could be in agony.

The punter is buying an object to fuck – to him it is never personal, it just part of his leisure time.

I had many men inside me – I was drowning in their hate, drowning in their desire to control me, drowning in their contempt for my humanity.

I stayed alive – only by killing all emotions, killing my sense that I had human rights, by not remembering the words of rape or abuse.

I was alive – but nothing could mean anything, to have meaning meant I would want to stay alive when death was so welcoming.

I did not do that to myself – yes, I know it would easy to blame me, but if blame me you are making the punters invisible.

I was made the living dead by their violence, by their hate, by their utter contempt – I had to die inside as they stripped away any humanity that was mine.

Many men inside me were men who consider themselves to be good men, to be leftists, to campaign for human rights and latest political fad.

These punters would torture and rape prostituted women and girls – but not think it clashed with their role as leftist heroes.

I have been in the room – in the room as punters are sending pain into all the cells of my body, as they turn into positions for yet more pain, as on occasions they filmed that torture.

In that room – inside that room those same punters are preaching to me about men being tortured in other countries, and how terrible that is. These punters are appalled at animal torture, showing me photos of creatures being ripped apart – as they ripped apart my throat, my anus and my vagina.

I have been in that room – that room as these great men experiment at how far they can torture me without actually killing me – whilst asking me to fight for human rights, leaving behind their god-damned papers that will go in a bin.

Torture a prostitute and that is made nothing, it made into a non-crime, a non-event.

Those leftist punters are inside my nightmares, in my body memories.

I cannot handle the hypocrisy of men who build up a reputation of being fighters for human rights – but want to have full access to prostitutes and to keep their porn.

I always forget that the prostituted class have no access to human rights for they are never considered to be humans.

Until the whole of the left confronts and in many cases brings to judgement the punters who play at being leftist heroes – then go and torture the prostituted class – I can never be at rest.

You imagine fully being in that room, with some left-wing hero – some actor, some pop star, some member of a human rights group, some radical politician, etc etc – you be alone in that room.

Know you cannot even think no, know the punter has the right and permission to use your body as his private porn-doll.

Know the more power, status, reputation or fame the punter has – the more likely you will be stripped of safety, the longer the punter will have to torture you – and most important the more any violence the punter does will be invisible.

Punters with power, status, reputation and fame think they are outside of the law, that morals have no relevance to them – that they have all the power and control.

In that environment, inside that room – if you are the prostitute all that is left is the hope it doesn’t last too long, that the injuries are not too bad, that it will be blocked out – and of course, the hope you get out alive.

These are the men inside me.

These are very typical punters.

We must make all punters criminals – it the least you can do for the prostituted class.

11 responses to “The Men Inside Of Me

  1. What is horrifying is that these assholes make a name for themselves as heroes. They will bang on about child brides in 3rd world countries, female genital mutilation and yet will do exactly what they want to prostituted women AND girls. And be very silent about the human rights abuses they themselves engage in. So glad you called them out.


  2. Rebecca – I saw you speak about this and have never moved from a total abolitionist position ever since. Every time I hear another ‘socialist’ talk about decriminalisation, I remember you talking about how utterly betrayed you feel by the left. I’m trying to get left organisations to recognise the truth of your experience.


  3. this is so excellent, so powerful, Rebecca… and it is the hideous, hideous truth. a truth so hideous, even the majority of feminists don’t want to look at it, are in denial about it. thank you for speaking this truth… hearing it is the only way we can begin to truly change things.


  4. Thank you so much for writing this. It brought me to tears. The hypocrisy of some people is devastatingly amazing. The sex industry is the largest human rights issue facing the developed world. Thank you so much for calling these bastards out.


  5. Your so right I have met countless women and children abused and betrayed in a society that continues to deny its responsibility to protect and care about its citizens x go well I admire your courage and your honesty and you make a difference to those who know and those that are willing to let themselves know the truth x


  6. hi there, i just came across your blog. wow. this is so tragic and fucked up and enraging. i see so much power in you, what a fighter & survivor you are… thank FUCK you’re out of that nightmare, at least physically…i’m so thankful you’re still here to tell your story. it needs to be heard and acted on. what can be done? how did you get out?

    i wish you light and love on your healing path.


  7. thank you for that and your much needed blog. I don’t have much to say, just that I am here and listening. Hugs if you want them


  8. My heart really bleeds for you but I’m also awed by your courage in getting out and speaking out, The stuff about the left wingers lecturing you and leaving you literature re human rights would be comical if it wasn’t so utterly awful. Don’t give up, the world needs to hear your story.


  9. Thank you for all your blog posts. I am consistently horrified at how many men turn a blind eye to the treatment of women and to the sex trade. I am consistently horrified by how many supposedly “good” men, fighting for the environment, human rights, etc., participate in stripping women of their humanity, as if a prostitute/porn “actress” is there by choice and so “whatever.” I will share your words whenever I have a chance. I am new to this cause but I can see it is something I truly care about, and I want to do something to help. Thank you again, your words are very meaningful to me and they have the potential to influence a lot of people. Many blessings and prayers of healing for you and all women who suffer around the world living in this global Patriarchal domination culture.


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