A Plea From the Depths of My Heart

This post is written through trauma, from the place of deep grief, from the place of extreme body memories.

This post is written as a plea, as a scream of the exited woman who is sick of being strong, sick of always being nice and reasonable, sick of acting tough.

This post is a scream – a scream from the soul of my teenage/young adulthood – a scream to say I refuse to be brave, to be calm, to be afraid to express my utter despair.

I write this post for I know the vast majority of those who read this blog have a good heart – a heart that would reach out to exited women when they hit the blank wall of despair.

But I want to write to my anger, write to my pain, write to my deep despair.

I want to those who read my words – but do little or nothing practical to help exited women, those who hold in the victim-role so they can walk away.

I have found that speaking out as a exited woman, every day I reminded that I was and am sub-human just because it involved money and constant torture.

It seemed if you are raped by men in the hundreds or thousands, and if that is framed as a business exchange or work, it is not that bad – as I suppose the prostituted class get used to being raped.

I get angry as women campaign against rape in war – but it is not all women that count. There is little or no demand to close down army brothels, no questioning of armed forces or peacekeepers having access to the sex trade as rest and recreation.

Not all women and girls count – when we always framed the prostituted as sub-humans. Then all men in all wars can rape, batter and murder the prostitute – just never harm “real” women and girls.

I get angry that I can phone anti-sexual violence lines, and it will be pot-luck whether I am asked stupid questions or made to feel sub-human.

I have spoken to help-lines – and heard myths that have almost destroy me.

Made to feel I must have wanted it – didn’t you take the money. Asked why I just didn’t walk out. Told if it really was that violent, I would be dead then. Told endlessly as I was not poor I was not a real prostitute. Asked how men actually raped you. And endless rubbish to send me back to being sub-human.

This is said by women who campaign and fight male violence – but are dismissive of the grief and pain of the prostituted.

If we do not fit their pre-conceived boxes of what a prostitute is – then we cannot and do not exist.

I am proud to speak out and to write this blog – but in doing that I put myself into the front-line of the vicious attacks of the sex trade lobby.

I am sick of the lack of real protection and support that amazing exited women get when they speak truth to power.

We are mostly abandoned and left to cope on your own.

To survive the sex trade, we have no choice but to be strong, we have had to grow a very tough personality.

Yes we have survived often degrees of torture on every level that is hard to imagine. To survive that hell, we have had to be resourceful and able to make our paths to some kind of a future.

But see, know and take into your hearts – that we were not just raped, not just threatened with death, not justliving with extreme mental violence, not just beaten up – we were tortured so often and in such a matter-of-fact way that we were made sub-human.

Being made sub-human, makes us perform as tough, perform as strong, perform as if it not that bad really.

If you really cared and have a heart – you would know it is a performance, and look deeper and find the essence of so many exited women.

You know and see that all her toughness is a cover for her deep fear and vulnerability.

Many of you are non-prostituted, have more than likely been sexually abused or raped.

You expect that it will send you into shock, that it will make you both physically and mentally ill, that it alters the way you see your relationships and the world, that you may worry about STDs or being pregnant.

Most feminists will factor all that in with child abuse or rape – but too many changed the rules for the prostituted class.

Maybe being raped by punters in the thousands mean it somehow becomes unimportant – or at least it becomes invisible.

There is little interest in the realities of how the prostituted react to living in hell.

Prostitutes often do not have time or space for shock after male violence.

It hard to have shock after sexual torture, when there are more punters paying to be your next torturer.

Shock is a luxury that most prostitutes cannot even imagine.

It is hard to care about the multiple injuries done to your body and mind when you are prostituted. Hard when in an environment where sex trade profiteers ignore all injuries, and sent straight back into being fuck-goods. Hard when many punters enjoy seeing or causing those injuries.

Injuries are just the norm – only place to send them is to gallows humour.

To be honest, for many prostitutes injuries, diseases or pregnancy are dealt with in-house, when I worked indoors there were pimp-vouched doctors to patch us up and get back to make yet more profit.

We were not humans, we were goods – so we were fixed, but not looked after.

Know that being raped in prostitution is never personal, being beaten up in prostitution is never personal, being murdered as a prostitute is never personal.

To the violent punter or pimp, it is not a human they are destroying, it just goods they are trashing.

See that and you are near the heart of why there can never be a good side to prostitution.

Don’t see that and you keep the prostituted as sub-human – and you are part of the problem.

8 responses to “A Plea From the Depths of My Heart

  1. Your anguish is palpable and this post has affected me deeply.
    As a former volunteer with a rape crisis centre I am ashamed and horrified at the way help-lines and counsellors at the end of those phones have treated you. There is no heirarchy in rape – not in the method or orifice the rapist chooses; not in the victims – female pensioner, wife, young woman, prostituted woman.
    Rape is rape.
    Keep writing – we ARE listening and we WILL keep fighting for you and all the others.


  2. ((((Rebecca))))

    Personally, I struggle with knowing what *to do.* I speak up when someone says something pro-pros and have a blog, but beyond that, what else can I do? Anyone have suggestions?

    “Made to feel I must have wanted it – didn’t you take the money. Asked why I just didn’t walk out. Told if it really was that violent, I would be dead then. Told endlessly as I was not poor I was not a real prostitute. Asked how men actually raped you. And endless rubbish to send me back to being sub-human.”

    Horrible, just horrible! Can you imagine the same being said about a woman in an abusive relationship: why didn’t you just leave? If he was that violent, wouldn’t you be dead? If you weren’t poor you could have left. How could he have raped you, he was your husband?!

    The prostituted class seems to be the one class where it’s A-OK to blame it on the victim.

    I’ve been reading your posts and think a lot about them, rebecca. I just got out of a class where the Harvard-educated professor AGAIN brought up that pros should be legalized (I got into a huge argument with her about this last time…she was saying this in front of a lot of privileged 18-20 year olds who will take her word as god’s word.) I feel so much anger over how prostituted women are treated, including exited ones.

    In my heart,



  3. I have only recently discovered your blog and your writing has affected me deeply. It is shameful and shocking that the very people who should be there to help you judge you and make you feel worse. I wish I could say or do something to help the pain and anguish which come across so clearly when you write, to say I am sorry for all you have and are enduring sounds hollow and patronising, but it is true.

    I too struggle with what more I can do to properly help women in your position. I always challenge anyone using degoratory language and take opportunities to make people aware of the truth of prostitution but it doesnt seem enough. I would very much welcome yours or anyone elses thoughts on how to be more active in this, I dont feel I can read this and do nothing.

    Take care, we are rooting for you.


  4. Reblogged this on gigoid and commented:
    This is another powerful post from a woman who is one of the strongest I have ever seen… please read, share, and adjust your reality accordingly…


  5. My lady…. as always, your writing moves me to tears for your pain, and to hope for your healing…. I’ve reblogged this article, as I do with all of yours… it is little enough, I know, but it is what I can do, until I see what else can be done… I will help in any way I can, for as long as I live… please know that you are not alone…. take care, and Blessed Be, my sister…l


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