Deep Grief

I am finally coming into grief, I am finally coming into life, I am finally getting to the beginning of being fully human.

Grief is terrible, but it may one of the most life-affirming emotions I know.

Deep grief is the showing the reality of what was taken from me, deep grief is knowing there was times in my life I could do nothing to protect myself except stay alive.

Deep grief is feeling inside every cell of your body what punters do to a non-human named as the prostitute.

Deep grief is knowing that killing your own humanity and having no space for dignity may have been a reason those punters choose not to bother to kill you.

Deep grief is a screaming that cannot and will be silenced, only no-one hears it.

Deep grief is a constant feeling of wanting to rip out your skin, want to pull the pain in my anus, vagina and throat.

Deep grief is going to the doctor and told nothing physically wrong – and then the pain is worse and nothing calms it down.

Deep grief is knowing you do not know how much you were raped, how many times you were beaten, knowing you viewed gang rape as a constant threat, and knowing anal rape was your norm.

Deep grief is attempting to repair the body after that – only knowing it will always leaves you with holes and gaps.

Deep grief is accepting that you will always have disjointed memory.

Deep grief is always there when there is no true justice.

That is deep grief – or parts of it.

I know it wonderful or it is giving me back my life.

10 responses to “Deep Grief

  1. Reblogged this on gigoid and commented:
    Ffolkes… if you are afraid of what is real, then just crawl back under the covers…. this is real. It’s painfully honest, and raw with emotion that no one should ever have to experience. You need to hear it, and feel it, and pass it on, or this kind of damage to women will continue…. and we will all be to blame…. more than we already are….


  2. Ms. rmott62… you are an incredible woman…. your honesty and strength are not merely admirable, but inspirational, and I can only wish that I were able to do more than just share your message. But, I will do that, without fail, as long as you are writing, and consider it a privilege and an honor to do so….

    Blessed Be, my sister….and my best wishes for your continued healing….


  3. Goddess bless you my sister.I feel your pain in my heart and I will spread your message.
    I understand grief, not from the same cause as yours, but nonetheless deep, heart wrenching grief. I’m grateful for tears because that is my outlet.


  4. It must sound ridiculous to say “I’m happy for you” but I am. Grief is good. The world’s not supposed to be this way and we shouldn’t pretend it is. There’s no healing without truth, without seeing it and being broken over it and loving and pushing and hoping through it. Thanks for sharing.


  5. Indeed.. none of what happened to you was your fault. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. You did not deserve this. What happened to you was not your fault.

    Blessed are the mourners for they shall be comforted. -Jesus

    Hate never defeats hate. Only love defeats hate. -Buddha

    Of course, everybody reading this hopes that your attackers someday will pay for all they have done. Your anger must be so intense.. though I will never understand. I hope one day you experience a feeling of peace equally intense. (You’ve come a long way)


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