I Am Who I Am

This post is to say what I think I am – how I got to where I am now, and why I reject all labels.

I am not left-wing, I am not a liberal, I am not a radical feminist, I am not man-hater – but all those are parts of why I do this work and who I have become.

Just know if you push me into your box, my instinct is to break free.

My instinct was made from many years of surviving by being roles. Now I reject all that does not comes from my guts..

I no longer have to please others in order to live or not be sadistically raped. Now I have arrived where I can and do make my own rules.

Of course, this is terrifying; of course, I will make and am making tons of mistakes; of course, my ways may hurt those I reject or have grown out of – but it is my way to freedom and to a world without being a robot that just pleases.

I truly believe that if the prostituted are ever going to be fully free, we must stop trying to place them into easy boxes. Boxes to make others feel they have done their duty by the prostituted. Boxes to have their token exited woman who will speak for every prostitute on the planet. Boxes that said prostitution is ok if just not like this victim-prostitute.

I speak, write, yell, scream and cry against the sex trade – but I will do it my way, not the way that makes others feel safe and that now they can understand everything.

I am told with kindness, told with ignorance, told in a constant patronising tone – why don’t you stop your work. You have written so much, you must be written out. It is clear your work makes you ill, so what’s the point. You are so repetitive.

Well, my work is not over. I know my work wants to go more unsafe places – more to speak to the rage of being an exited woman; more to the utter grief of an exited woman; more to speaking out against the constant connecting of other forms of male violence to women and children; more to the language that exited women have invented to framed their experiences.

I want to write and speak out that exited women need and demand a separate voice. I am sick of always having to connect, when my guts and trauma knows most so-called connections always make the prostituted class into an appendix, an afterthought.

Examples of that – discussions of the harms of porn mostly focus on harms to women whose partners use porn, harms to children seeing porn, harms to male users of porn: rarely on that porn is harm in and of itself for what it does to the women inside porn. Most liberal, or on occasion radical, feminists discussions on prostitution are hijacked by the constant continuum of male sexual violence, which is used more often than not to silence exited women by making prostitution is just more rapes, more extreme sadist sex, and more closeness to murder.

I try not to let my brain explode now. I will scream down Everest if I could.

These are just of the multiple ways that exited women are silenced – or forced to fit in by agreeing.

We must separate out what it is to inside the sex trade; we must allow exited women to discover their own voices; we must be humble and stop comparing.

I know this post is a scream – and may not make sense. I do not care, for my playing by the rules is exhausted now.

2 responses to “I Am Who I Am

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