You Are So Cold

I dedicate to all my Sister exited women who may understand where I coming from.
It is expected to be emotional after exiting the sex trade, this is rarely true. But to not have emotions is made that the woman must be cold, and the ignorant response to that coldness is that she must ok.

Well, if it really was that bad she would be crying, she would have a massive temper, she may be attempting suicide on a regular basis.

She would a wreck – which is good, for many outsider can deal with the exited woman better if she their image of the prostituted victim.

I do not understand why anyone think most exited women would have emotions – when most prostituted women and girls survived by being roles, by acting tough, and especially by hiding all emotions.

Why would any exited woman trust those in the outside world enough to show the depths of her emotions, when all around her are reminders of her betrayal?

Is it that you want her to be emotional so you can feel better about yourself – so you can have the power-trip of playing the role of a carer, so you can distract yourself from that you could be her, so you only focus on her as an individual and ignore that the structure of sex trade that tried to destroy her – ignore that you are part of a society that condones that daily destruction.

Is that why you have such a need for exited women to be emotional?

I say that most women who are lucky enough to exit the sex trade, often need their pride and self-respect as much as they need oxygen. To lay bare too many emotion to please others, is a destruction of that pride.

Do not expect or demand that an exited woman will or can trust you, just because you say you are friendly and trustworthy. Do not push her – you could push towards the deadness of the sex trade again.

Instead know if an exited woman make the choice to be emotional with you, to speak to the truth of her own experiences – it is a great honour and gift she is giving you.

Let it be freely given, not demanded or taken from her.

Know the reality of the sex trade – is to survive being inside that hell the prostituted woman or girl has to learn to have no emotions, or to play the emotions that are demanded from her.

To be a good prostitute, a good porn actress, a good stripper, good at massage, good mail-order bride and so many other sex trade roles – you must learn the coded emotions that mean you may survive.

The major emotions to know and learn is to smile, the calming emotions to please men, the ignorance of disgust, the emotions of the willing hostess-slave.

Learn that role and you may stay alive. May for at any time, in any place and regardless how good you are at your role – any punter or profiteer can kill you out of some whim or to prove he is a man.

You may survive – if you ignore the urge to kill yourself, or to live so close to death that you may “by accident” fall into death.

Surviving the sex trade is just luck – how can it not be, when so many amazing prostituted women and girls have left us.

But a major way to have the chance to survive is to murder all emotions – and play the role of the perfect porn-toy.

That is something that is impossible for the majority of exited women to speak about – hell, it nearly impossible for most to know in their own minds and hearts.

It is hard to express how to survive you did the lowest, the things that sickened every cell of your body – you did what punters demanded, you did what managers/profiteers made you into.

How can words or writing truly express that desperate need to survive that nearly kill all that was human in you.

All you do is find some peace for what you had to be – and know you did the most amazing act possible – you exited that hell.

Is it any wonder that exited women appears tough and unemotional?

For me, they are all the greatest heroes I know of.

I don’t need to see emotions to believe that.

9 responses to “You Are So Cold

  1. Thanks Raymonde – I think it not so much about me as an individual as survivor, but about connecting with the hugeness of is done to the prostituted class. I just mined my experiences as part of that larger picture.


  2. It’s definitely odd that they would expect dramatic displays of emotion from women that have been through that. I think people often believe what they want to believe and thus see what they want to see. They don’t want to contemplate the horror that prostituted women go through, so they pretend that it isn’t really so bad, it’s just a bum job and they use their reactions to justify it. If the women dramatically cried in front of people that don’t want to believe what hell it is, they would just say that the women only thought it was so bad because they’re weak or unsuited and that’s why they’re crying.


  3. To be dehumanized like that of course takes a toll.. Trauma can make you numb.. I don’t think men see women as people, really, most of them. Either our emotions are hysterical or we’re cold, somehow. so dumb! And we women are taught to be divided against one another, so a lot of non-feminist women will sympathize with any man before a woman. it’s crazy

    the more I learn about the world around me the more I feel like I’m living in The Handmaid’s Tale (by Margaret Atwood). except, worse.

    ^an Internet hug


  4. Your words are so true, Rebecca. I struggle massively to trust enough to show my emotions and be vulnerable, and too often people have refused me help when I’ve asked – because I seem too together! As if my words were invalidated because I wasn’t in a heap of tears on the floor. When men have got off on your pain, it’s going to make allowing others to see it first hand a little tricky. Ah, and the coldness. I only wish I was as cold as I’ve been accused of being. Maybe it would have hurt less then. My coldness was the only self respect I could muster – do what you will to this body but you can’t hurt me. The tears I shed in private tell a different story.


  5. This is so true. When I left me situation, I didn’t show emotion until nearly a decade after. In my experience, showing any form of vulnerability or emotion would be met with horrible violence and possible death. And after, showing any form of vulnerability, especially in front of men, brought the fear of being victimized all over again. It would worry me more than anything if someone showed emotion right after exiting the sex trade. That hardness and toughness is what makes a survivor believable.

    And you’re definitely right. Survivors of the sex trade are the strongest, most admirable people I know.


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