I am falling – falling into a place I know all too well.
I want to cry – I want to scream – I want to smash-up everyone who even think that the sex trade is ok.
But I also want to die – I want to throw in the towel – I want the world to stop for me.
Please give a reason how and why I should not feel this despair.
It is the despair of seeing, feeling and knowing that I and so many amazing women have survived hell – and now our hell is normal fare inside the sex trade.
Now and then when inside the sex trade – sexual torture is not considered extreme.
No, in most prostitution is seen as weird for the prostituted woman or girl to just do vaginal penetrative sex, to just do blow jobs. Everything is give labels depending on what label the prostitute is put under.
It is extras, it kinky sex, it is entertainment, it is will do for more hard cold cash, it is s/m prostitution – and tons more ways of making the violence and male hatred invisible.
But, prostituted women and girl have etched on every inch of their bodies and minds where every sexual torture has been.
We may never remembered each individual piece of hate and violence put into us. We may never be able to know who the men were. We may find it all become one long memory of having to be dead to survive.
But it is always inside us.
It is in our body memories – as even as our lives are altered beyond recognition from being prostituted – we have pain as our shadow and on occasions our enemy.
It is in the moments we get alert, it is in the moments that we read men’s body language and see danger when everyone said he is nice.
It is there when laying on a bed is like being back into hell.
It is when the barriers of acting hard and tough come when all we want to do is scream, to sob or to run away.
It is there when hope is something that others have, and I cannot imagine.
I lose my fight – I want to die.
It is not death I seek – it is not to be surrounded by such acceptance of the sex trade.
It just that we can speak of our past – but in such a controlled fashion.
We must not be too graphic, but we can say it was terrible.
We must fit into easy stereotypes – be that we took drugs and work on the streets, be that we were trafficked but not internally trafficked, be that we were abused as children, be that we did it coz we were desperate for money.
We cannot say that the sex trade target any woman or girl – including rich vulnerable women and girls, including women and girls who believe the propaganda that the sex trade is respectful and full of glamour, including women and girls who think it would be fun and easy to leave, and especially women and girls who will be prostituted as long as any word but prostitute is used to describe them.
All it take to be trapped inside the sex trade is for a woman’s or girl’s life to fall apart – and to be in the vicinity of the predators of the sex trade – it is scarily that easy.
Remember the sex trade will flatter, will be charming, will give women and girls who never known real love the delusion that they are cared for – all that is grooming.
It is easy to think the prostituted are not you – but every woman or girl is one disaster away from falling into the sex trade.
I know must women don’t want to think this, and so distanced themselves from the prostituted class – and often use stereotyping and very hurtful language to do that.
But your stereotyping and language does hurt – it hurts to the core.
Do not distance yourself by saying that it only happens to women and girls who are not who you think you are.
Do not just say that women and girls inside the sex trade were already damaged before they enter – therefore dismissing the many who had not been abused as children, who were not addicts before being made in a fuck-objects.
Do count women and girls who you decide should not be counted – count those who fall into the sex trade because they thought it might be fun, count those you considered too rich to be allowed to be prostituted – count all those you have pre-planned are not worthy of your support.
The more women and girls you dismissed – the happier the profiteers of the sex trade are.
Remember the sex trade will always paint itself as a caring and ethical employer – so it looks to see what women and girls are considered non-victims of the sex trade and exploits them – knowing it will be made invisible.
The more you divide women and girls in the sex trade – the more it makes me want to die.
So remind why it is worth living.
I fight so hard – but all the time the sex trade is laughing at how exited women speak out.