A Change In Me

I have been in great despair this year. From despair, I have held hands with the realities of the terrors that I had to live through.

This has made me want to make a real change – a change not just of myself, but a change to force some real difference to stop the sex trade.

It may seem an impossible task.

Hasn’t the sex trade been ignoring voices of resistance from exited women for over 3000 years.

Hasn’t the sex trade the sex trade more money than the arms trade.

Hasn’t supporters of the sex trade always search for the Happy Hooker, and push away all words and images of violence and degradation.

It is that that is against anyone who speak the sex trade – especially exited women.

But I cannot let that stop me.

Not whilst I have in my body and mind the knowledge of the discarded women and girls.

The prostituted women and girls raped so often, with such efficiently that she loses words to fit her experience. She cannot named it as rape, not even abuse – just that is the only role she can be.

I feel I need a change. A change in language.

Do not speak of rape – don’t even say multiple rape. That is not very close.

Speak inside the language of torture – torture repeated and so regular, that survival is to be the living dead.

Read survivors of concentration camps, read words of soldiers in unwinnable wars – read of places where humans are trapped and made to act like it really doesn’t matter.

Read of the places where torturers want the tortured to smile, to be grateful that they are just about alive.

Maybe then you are beginning to understand what it is to be in the sex trade.

Speak in the language of human rights – some so basis that you may not even notice you have them.

I have heard of the freedom of speech – hell, when I in the middle of the sex trade that was a privilege I could not even imagine.

How could I when I like millions of women and girls in the sex trade did not have freedom of thought, freedom of movement, freedom of having safety or freedom to be a full human.

How can we when our bodies and minds are owned and controlled by the johns and profiteers of the sex trade.

How can you have human rights when you made into disposable fuck-goods.

Humans rights are a dream for women and girls trapped in the sex trade.

So, I fight maybe to my death to get humans right seen as the major priority when exposing the sex trade.

It not about the sadness of individual case studies, it is not a cultural discussion, it is not even a class issue – it is a stripping away of the right to be full human to any women or girl trapped in the sex trade.

God – if I had my way the UN peacekeepers would raiding all brothels, closing down hard-core porn sets, stopping massage parlours, helping women and girls off the streets – for it be would considered an international crisis.

But that is not going to happen, especially as the vast majority of violence and degradation done to women and girls in the sex trade is made invisible.

This is where my rage and fear needs a real change.

I see all around me that the sex trade is being pushed indoors –  being made invisible.

I must fight harder, I must have others to fight harder with me.

Know there is nothing safer about indoors prostitution – only, it is easier for the propaganda machine of the sex trade to say it is safe, and respectful to the girls that they “employ”.

Just because you don’t see sexual torture, mass rapes, being forced into porn and murders does not mean it does not exist.

I could shut my eyes, and say that my laptop doesn’t exist – but that is bullshit.

I am so sick of the double standards that condemn domestic violence, child abuse in the home and acquaintance rape – seeing how horrific male violence can be to the innocent women and girls.

But behind closed doors – and a woman or girl is labelled whore, prostitute, escort, porn-star, lap-dancer – those same rapes and battering, and usually much much worse, is made into her choice, she must be to blame for making the man get so carried away.

After all, doesn’t the whore do it over and over and over, not just with one individual man but any and all men.

And,  by christ, she smiles and appears happy.

When I speak of incest, it is acceptable to say the child adapts and may even love her abuser.

I am used to women speaking of love/hate in domestic violence, of how hard it is to make a real break from that violence.

But women and girls in the sex trade are not allow complex feelings – remember they not fully human.

If they smile, or act happy, even boost the male ego – it could not be a way of surviving and trying out of desperation to lessen the violence.

It could not be that they have been trapped so long in sexual torture and degradation – that the only role they know is to be happy even when close to death, in constant pain and terror.

No, it is easier to say she has chosen her lifestyle.

The change has to come.

A change that does not focus on the woman or girl – but is on the john and the profiteers of the sex trade.

We should say loudly and with unity that any man that makes the choice to buy a prostituted woman and girl in putting his money into a system that is build on the sexual torturing, mass raping, mental abusing and murdering of a whole class named as the Whore.

I don’t care if he is gentle, or thinks he is decent – he is part of the worse crimes ever invented, if he chooses to own another human just for his sexual wants.

I am so full if rage and grief when I think of the profiteers.

They are making their fortunes by allowing millions of women and girls to be raped so often that they lose any essence.

They know of murders and do nothing, only replace with another fuckable goods.

They see money when they could see injuries, STDs, fear, asking to leave.

They speak of protecting their girls – whilst on their watch johns rape with abandon, bashing ups are covered up with make-up or dark lighting.

These profiteers should be rotting in prison – not living off the blood, terror and deaths of a whole class named Whore.

I want a change.

I do not know how to get there – but I can only move to that change.

7 responses to “A Change In Me

  1. I can imagine it must seem so terribly exhausting for the few that are standing up to such a massive empire of exploitation, violence, and hatred. More and more people are listening, and not believing the lies. And want to help, too.


  2. I am exactly focused the same way you are, with rage, in my specific target (which is helping out other lesbians), and it is hard, it is spending a lot of a precious life in the fight. But we’ll get there to the changes we wish eventually, you on your target, me on mine, we’ll meet others and have common fights. And even if we do not reach the goals yet, others may reach it thanks to our work. Determination of few individuals like you is exactly that makes resistance alive. But I agree that it is just not enough, just ridiculous efforts, and few fix when the whole system would have to be fully overthrown for justice to be done. It looks almost like an alibi for the oppressors and torturers to continue, they would say, look, we are legitimate, there is an opposition there, some ways to escape, discordant voices.. Even if this rsistance is like filling a bath tub with an eye dropper, but yet if it is not us filling the bath, who else?
    We are in a war, and the key to my mind is to keep the resistance going, while caring for ourselves at the same time, in order to have an as good and nurturing as possible life outside the fight. And always be ready to seize the opportunity to act on a bigger scale and sabotage the whole system, in the whole world.
    When I think females are more than 51% of humans and could in a way control reproduction, if they would just revolt on the entire planet, men and all kind of oppressions would step back. Just a dream..
    I have been contacted back by *Mouvement du Nid*, they want to involve me in the fight, they will send me information magazines that I know better and according to where I may move later on, because no branch where I live, I could be trained and join them to talk to girls at the end of male violence and try help them escape out. It is already something.
    I will send you a personal message (about entertainment, that maybe you’d like, a football team in London).


  3. More money than the arms trade.. if thats true, could be why its so hard to stop..

    Just think of all the millions of people who are anti-sex trade though.. its not impossble!


  4. I really appreciate your words. Especially about how the language of rape and DV is inadequate to describe the experiences of prostituted women.

    I just want to add something. Even though women who are raped or beaten in their homes or outside of direct financial exploitation often have the freedom to be able to name it as such, more often they are made to smile as the abuse continues or is ignored by the people who should protect them. Or their abuse is made invisible by our (in)justice system in that most rapists go free. There is definitely a connection between the trafficking and pornstitution of women and girls and the rape and abuse of women and girls outside of the sex industry. It is my opinion that they are both torture, and combined with the murders of women and girls, they comprise genocide and a very real war against women. Neither would exist if not for the global system of patriarchy. People like us – who resist this system and its effects – are a minority, yet we have immense power. Power that does not come from meeting patriarchal expectations. Real power. Our power is in our refusal to be complacent. Our power is in our growing numbers. Our power is in our fight. We must never be silent again. We will continue to network, and grow in our ranks, slowly but surely. And we will take action as we can, until no suffering at the hands of patriarchy is invisible.


  5. Rainbow Riot – Although I agree that all male violence in interconnected – I still it very important that there is a recognition why it different to inside the sex trade.

    With most rapes and domestic violence outside of the sex trade is personal – in that the violent man pours his hate onto an individual who he still see as human.
    It is rarely personal for women and girls in the sex trade, she is not got the privilege of being human – rather placing with “normal” rapes and domestic violence, it should place with rapes during warfare, rapes as political weapon or inside concentration camps. That is rapes where the women and girls raped are not seen by their torturers, they are just holes and hands.

    Most women and girls that are violently abused outside of the sex trade it is by relatively few men, may 1 to 10. It is always horrific, and there rarely justice.
    But, most women and girls who are in the sex trade long-term can violently abused by men in their hundreds even their thousands. This is rape, sexual torture, brainwashing and murder on an industrial scale.
    The only way to survive is to be dead inside, and outwardly appear to be ok with it.

    I fight hard for a separate voice/voices for women who have exited the sex trade and have the strength and courage to speak out.
    Whores are placed into to boxes and told not to speak too loudly for most of their lives. They are expected to place themselves second even by feminists – that is by always having to compare with other forms of male violence, which often means silencing the voices saying how we could response in the language of rape and domestic violence.

    It hard to find a language that fits the reality of being in the middle of the sex trade – but the language of human rights and language of torture is much closer.


  6. Wow, this is so powerful Rebecca. I hope you are taking care of yourself as well, for writing such powerful words can be so draining on one’s psyche, sometimes it feels like it is more draining than the experiences themselves, but you are brave, strong and courageous which is more than one could say for the selfish, senseless and snivelling snools which make up the pay-per-rape-supporters.

    Thank you for sharing your words.


  7. Rainbow Riot – Although I agree that all male violence in interconnected – I still it very important that there is a recognition why it different to inside the sex trade.

    Sorry you have to keep pointing this out on your own blog, Rebecca. I’ve seen you explain this several times in the comment threads of various posts here. You have the patience of a saint!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s