I feel different today, I feel I breathing clearer.
For several months now, my trauma has been in every inch in my body.
I have sick really since January – today I feel relatively normal.
Let me say, it is just one day, so I cannot say I am ok until several weeks has gone by. But for now, I will say how I think I survive this time.
I think I survive by never running away.
I did not fall into alcohol. Using alcohol as an excuse to cut myself, an excuse to attack those I care.
I did not get myself back to the world of the drunk.
I did not go out looking for trouble.
I could have gone to hated places that men would fuck for nothing – but I would not go without some exchange.
I could have walked the street back to a deadness where nothing mattered, nothing but my hate of myself.
I stop myself from going there.
I am learning to save my own life.
I save it by looking directly at my past, not with judgment, but finding some compassion, not with self-hate, but discovery empathy for my prostituted self, not from deadness, but allowing in the terror.
I look directly at how close I was to destruction, how I manipulated, raped, smashed up, made into porn, told I was nothing but a piece of shit.
I have no idea how I survive – all I know I did.
Now all I can do is praise my inner strength and whatever spirit kept me alive.
Now, I am learning to prayer, to feel humble at how near I was to death – and how now I reach into life with hope and full of love.
I survive my severe bout of PTSD, for I know my friends and allies believe in me.
I not a nobody to them – whatever the sex trade try to make a nothing, a thing to fuck to almost dead, a liar if I speak, nothing but a stupid whore.
I am not that to so many women – for some I am a leader, a truth-teller, a strong woman with courage.
I am not what the sex trade wanted me to be.
That gives me peace.