I have been detached for most of my life.
Detachment stopped me from dying. Detachment made everything not matter – not even that I existed.
Part of this detachment was my addiction to films. I used them to escape. I used to find people who were outside of my life. I used to know stories.
But, mostly films became a way of pretending I was happy.
As a prostitute, I made roles for myself through films – I pretended to be any woman except the whore or the victim.
I have always been obsessed with film noir. Those women were the clothes I wanted to wear.
I started to imagine I was what I wasn’t, for in that time how could I really know what I was.
I didn’t mind being a doll or a moll. I would be tough as nails, I would wise-crack, I would sell men down the river.
I had to imagine I was so clever, so tough, so funny, so in control, so beautiful – so anything but reality.
I like those films coz sex crackle in every scene, but it was not shown.
I did not see as I was raped, as I was battered, as I had no voice – I did not see that fitting in any film I wanted to watch.
I hated the victim-role, I refused to acknowledge it.
I disappear into musical, into children’s films, into cartoon – into happy endings.
I saw films where there was bad, but it never lasted, where good was real.
I had no attachment to these films, I just live with their joy without understanding them.
In some of those films, I thought I understood love, and it made my stomach cold.
I wanted films where evil was destroyed, massacre, rip to shreds – so I watch horror films.
I love films where children or outsider destroy the cozy, safe and normal groups or families.
I loved seeing mothers being destroyed by daughter, “Carrie” still bring me joy.
I saw films where sex lead to death, where evil is inside the ordinary, where hate and rage can triumph – these world made sense to me.
I was too dead to be scared, but horror movies stir a slow anger and wanting for justice inside me.
They may be trash movies, but for me they force my warrior to fight back, and force me to live.
I can never fully reject those films.
My brain stay alive by watching many European films, mainly Italian, German and French.
I love black and white Italian and French films with teenagers as leading parts.
I watch teenagers rebelling, running away, feeling lost in another country, in another time – and somewhere I know I still had tears.
Films are a major part of my life.
Many times I chosen to still live just coz there a good film on TV. I have chosen to live to sit alone in the cinema at some empty matinée.
Yes, I am a film addict – but I think god for that, fr it shelter me from a terrible reality of the hell I was living.
For there always a film I need to see.