Young at Heart No More

I have been crying, crying that I was never a teenager.

I have written about this before, but I can never write out the pain. I speak to friends, discovering words that fit that time – but nothing addresses the fear and confusion.

I do not know what I was as a teenager.

I was not a child, I could not feel angst, I was not wanting to grow into more years, I had lost interest in discovering my own world.

I was nothing – nothing but what others told me I was or made me into.

I had known I was a fuck-toy since the first time my stepdad made me bleed by finger-fucking as a young girl.

Before than, there must have been a time when I was young, when I had innocence – when freedom was not a delusion.

But as a teenager I had forgotten that time, or chosen not believe I was ever that safe.

When I was to be 12, I had become a girl who no longer care, could not dare to care.

I was slowly becoming a whore, for a whore is a sex-toy that any man can manipulate, used up and throw into the trash.

A whore is made non-human by losing hope, by having hate surrounding her, by her every action being made into sex or pauses between the endless sex.

As I enter my teenage years, I was putting on the clothes of the whore. And ignoring the poison that was killing me.

I do not remember being 13, and that truly scares me.

I know at 12, I was a robot for my stepdad, I know at 14 I was embedded in sadistic prostitution. But 13 is a blank, with occasional vicious flashes.

I see me slowly cutting my arms. Cutting inside a zone where nothing matters, no pain can enter me. I see blood, but cannot imagine it has anything to do with me.

I see me in the bath with my stepdad, not caring as I rub his penis, not caring as his fingers hurt my cunt – just noticing the water is getting cold.

I see me looking at bruises, cuts and marks on my neck, and always forgetting where they came from.

I see me in pubs drunk as usual waiting to pick up by any man, any man that had a bed – knowing I didn’t want to go home.

I see me in bed with my body that I didn’t want to know, see some man hurting that body – and all I can do is not to know.

I see, I see and really look and see I was young, I was a child.

And my heart was being smashed to pieces.

So the only way to live, to survive, was to learn fast to be hard, to not give a damn.

By the time I 14, my heart was young no more. It knew too much.

I look back at that young teenager, and now I hold her, I cry for her.

I want to heal every injuries place in her body, I want every man who used her to be in jail, I want her to rest without fear.

I want her to be young.

But I cannot do the impossible.

Just fight for other young girls, and maybe build a world where teenage girls can be free, can be innocent, can discover themselves and can dream without fear.

2 responses to “Young at Heart No More

  1. This entry rang so true to me, thank you for finding the words that I can’t.

    “Just fight for other young girls, and maybe build a world where teenage girls can be free, can be innocent, can discover themselves and can dream without fear.”

    Even though I’m one of these younger womyn, I still dream of a world where none of them will ever have to know what we’ve gone through.


  2. Hi there

    You left a message though my website, and I tried to reply but I think the email didn’t work. I really appreciated your message, which was very powerful, and would like to get in touch. I have left my email address.

    I am a writer and film director and I was commissioned to make a film by the UK Human Trafficking Centre (based in Sheffield) about Internal Sex Trafficking. I was already aware of cross border sex trafficking, but knew nothing about internal trafficking at that time. The UKHTC wanted to raise awareness of a crime which, as you rightly say, is still very hidden. I did lots of research with young women and front line agencies and produced a 20 mins drama film plus the music video version you can watch on the website and now on youtube.

    I quickly realized that if we were to reach a wide audience, particularly of teenage girls, we needed to be communicating online and through mobile. This led us to create the ideas for the cross platform campaign which are sketched out on our website. Our aim is to try and use creativity and imagination to raise awareness of, and campaign to stop, internal sex trafficking.

    I have read your blog and am really struck by the way you define and talk about internal trafficking in such a powerful and compelling way. I think it would be great if we could collaborate in some way to get this vital issue to wider public attention. You are right when you say there is some attention being paid to cross border sex trafficking, but people are far less aware of what is happening right on their own door steps. Maybe it is more uncomfortable for people to look so closely at their own society.

    Yours, with respect, Virginia


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