I am determined to enjoy Christmas, even when and as I miss having others round.
It is so quiet by myself, but I need that peace. I am pretty much exhausted by my intensive year.
I am damned proud how I got through this year.
Winter is a time of reflection, a time to try to be comfortable with yourself.
That is a new thing for me.
I have never been comfortable in my skin – for large parts of my life I refused to know that skin was part of me. To know that, would mean knowing that I alive.
How can Christmas mean anything when living inside the sex trade.
Winter when was prostituted was just the same as the rest of the year – only colder.
But then, I was cold even in the summer sun. I felt relatively normal in winter, coz cold was normal.
Sometimes Christmas period just meant less johns, as they played at being the family men, or were students who went, or had less money to spend.
Sometimes Christmas meant the johns that came were more demanding, and thought it should free as a “gift” to them.
Christmas was a time of violent sex for too many years of my life.
I choose to ignore Christmas, or at less pretend I did not care.
But, this never worked for in my depths of my heart I loved Christmas.
I loved it as I saw or went to King’s College Choir singing “Once in Royal David’s City”, in that I reclaimed Cambridge back into me.
I always heard Phil Spector Christmas album – in shops, in pubs, in restaurants – and my heart would melt. Even as I a “girlfriend experience” or after being fucked behind the pub – hearing the Ronettes and could remember how to smile again.
I always loved lights going up and seeing children knowing Christmas is always magic.
Even as I thought I was dead inside, Christmas always forced into me.
So, I adore Christmas.
All of it, not just selected pieces.
I will now go and enjoy Christmas TV and radio.
I need darned good ghost stories on the radio, cheesy music on the radio, King’s College Choir for my heart.
I need Doctor Who, I need films that are soppy, films that classic film noirs, I need comedy.
I eat and drink and Christmas is part of me.
It was never stolen from me.