Though I know I am not alone with my journey to recover, to find who I am.
But however many friends and allies I have, I am always left all by myself with the reality of trauma.
Please understand that I do feel your love, I know your prayers work for me, I know many of you are fighting for a better future for all women and girls who are or have been traumatised by the sex trade.
Of course, I feel and know all that. I am deeply grateful for everything that you do for me.
But – and this is a huge but – I am totally alone with trauma.
I live with that pain. The pain that steals my heart.
I lost how to feel through the hate and degradation that my norm for too long, and made into nothing but a fuck-toy.
Then I was allowed feelings – now I cannot understand what they are, if I gets even small feelings.
I lost my throat.
I can hardly swallow without wanting to chock or feeling utterly sick. Too many dicks and objects were forced down that throat for it to be normal.
I lost my sexuality.
I cannot have sex with man or woman without falling back into being an object. Even when I masturbate I find my mind wander back to porn.
I find it so hard not close down when I near an orgasm – my robot comes back into me.
How after being a fuck-machine for all those year can sex be human to me.
Trauma is an endless sickness. Yes, there are periods long and short of being happy, times of relaxation, times where I forget my past.
But, trauma is following me all the time.
When I speak to close friends, I laugh, I speak of many things – but always underneath the pain and grief is there.
Close friends allow me to be both, and that is a freedom I never knew I would know.
I am angry that trauma is with me. Angry that all those bastards destroy my future, and they have no consequences. Angry that I was tortured just for their recreation.
I not angry – I live with a rage that is seeking justice.
Justice not so much for me, but to prevent other women and girls go through the hell I had to lived.
So thanks for everything – but do more, there is so much to do.