THIS WAS WRITTEN TO DISTURB – SO MAY TRIGGER
I am playing Sun Records – Rufus Thomas, Carl Perkins, Elvis, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash etc – coz I very cheerful music to write this post. I want to write the middle of my living terrors.
I want to lay on the line the harms of being inside abuse, porn, rape and prostitution.
I want to get under your skin, the way the bastards got under mine. I want you to walk in my shoes.
I want to say I cannot be academic, I can’t prove my reality to you if you choose to disbelieve me. All I can is show the guts and shit that was my reality.
And say don’t switch me off, just coz you refuse to judge the sex trade.
Coz I say it is fine to just the sex trade coz it torture me for years – and it is torturing millions of other girls and women, whilst you sit reading this.
I want you to imagine hard.
Imagine what made me a prostitute.
Think hard of what broke me down, so at 14 I was being brutally fucked by multiple men.
Think hard of living with a neglectful mum. A mum who choose to ignore, to ignore if you in danger, who make invisible that you run away often. Think hard of having a mum who selfish needs were above the safety of her children.
Think hard on that, and think how would you cope.
Would you make your own rules, rules without any safety net. Would wander into places that made you grow up too fast, whilst fear was grabbing your heart.
Would you learn bloody fast to be hard. Say that you don’t need your mum’s love. Say you are never scared. Say nothing can hurt you.
Think hard on this and remember you still a child.
Think hard of being abuse as child.
Think hard what it is to be raped in the dark, in silence – raped with hands till you are bleeding. Only it always seemed like the rape never happened.
After all it is never talked about, after all it could of been a nightmare.
Only your cunt is falling out and screaming in agony,
Think how that one rape disappear as you get used to being a sex toy for your stepdad.
How it become so routine that he did not need to speak words, just look.
You know each Friday he will bath you.
You know his fingers will be struck up you. You know to suck his dick. You know as he dries you he will touch you up. You know it hurts as he eat you out.
This is routine.
Later it becomes routine that he rubs all your body.
You must not move then, you must be silent – you must act as if you are dead.
As he spent ages eating you out, fucking with fists and fingers – you must ignore that you go wet. Ignore that you are in pain. Ignore you should be crying.
No, you are dead, so nothing must matter.
Hell, you know how to act coz hadn’t you been show hard-core porn.
Hadn’t that shown you pain was sex and sex was pain. Hadn’t porn shown that all that mattered was that men can fuck whenever they want, and that all girls and women were just there to be fucked.
That was what you learnt.
So being a prostitute was a natural thing to do.
You knew prostitutes got fucked by any man. You knew you would not care.
But, you did not know how much men want to torture and degrade prostituted women and girls.
You thought you had know the worse from your stepdad, but he was an amateur compare to hate and torture that johns poured into you.
Nothing prepare you for being trapped inside an industry that just saw you as a fuck-object to be used as much as possible.
How can anything prepare you for gang-raping, for anal rapes, for their fun of bringing you close to death just to laugh at you.
Nothing can prepare you for every hole being filled with penises, mouths ripping at you and fists beating at you. Nothing warns that you be strangle as you fucked either in the cunt or anus. Nothing makes you ready for vicious anal rapes against walls.
You are never prepared.
All that can be said of prostitution is it living inside constant shock. So much shock, that you have no choice but go completely dead inside.
In other words, to survive prostitution you has little choice but to adapt.
In adapting you feel nothing. As you feel nothing, you seems to accept the unacceptable. But you are a corpse.
That is being a prostitute for the vast majority.
Most are fucked by men who would not notice if they were dead or alive – as long there are holes to be fucked, why should the johns care.
I write this coz it is easy to ignore the living hell that is named prostitution – and pretend it not too bad.
Well it is very ugly. It is life-threatening. It does damage women and girls on every level. It does place women and girls as objects to brought and sold for the male orgasm.
It cannot be made nice.