Sick to My Stomach

This week has been terrifying.

I had closed down that I was filmed during prostitution. This week my mind let it in and let a raging bull it hit me.

Today, I told a friend my scrapes of memories of being filmed, and since then I have sick to my stomach.

I have been physically sick three times tonight.

I know that any film of me was used for porn and may well still in the world having bastards wanking over it.

That makes me sick to my stomach.

I was filmed in extreme pain. I was filmed as I went in and out of consciousness. I was filmed with injuries. I was filmed in fear.

That makes me sick to my stomach.

I was filmed as I was gang-raped. I was filmed as I was sexually tortured in my mouth, vagina and anus. I was filmed as I was beaten.

That makes me sick to my stomach.

And I am sick to my stomach, that anyone think porn and prostitution are harm-free.

Know that much of porn is made of of prostituted women and girls who have no rights or freedom over their image or the degree of violence done to them.

Know these images are spread any and everywhere without the prostituted women or girls giving permission for their images to be used.

Know that loads of porn is not fake or acting. It is real rape. It is real sexual torture.

It is not harm-free.

Don’t make me sick to my stomach by deluding yourself that the sex trade gives a damned about the safety and mental welfare of the prostituted women and girls that it films.

Why should managers/pimps give a damned when it see all prostituted women and girls as disposable, and easier replaced.

So I remember, and I am sick to my stomach.

3 responses to “Sick to My Stomach

  1. Wonderful R!

    Thank you so much for making your voice heard.

    I’ve been following your blog for a month or so now, and your sharing is helping me get in touch with your suffering and others in similar situations. It helps me open to a more complete reality and seeing the consequenses of porn.

    Your previous post about being filmed and photographed made me sick. I thought about how yours and others images are spread all over the Internet and on hard disks of abusers, and that you have no control over it. This makes me sick.

    It is no surprise to me that you are physically sickened by the recollection of this.

    If I were in your situation I would turn myself inside out throwing up.

    I’m a timid, non-violent and pleasant guy – but your posts certainly puts me in touch with my anger and hatred. Anger and hatred that arises towards the men who have been abusing you, and towards others who keep abusing others in the same ways in so many places in the world.

    I want to thank you for sharing your process of healing with me. It makes me sad, happy, angry and confused.

    Best regards,


  2. Thanks Lotus, your comment is really good. If my words help you and some other men to question porn and prostitution, then I feel quite proud.


  3. Thinking of you, Rebecca. I’ve been having some old nightmares about searching for the pictures my grandfather took of me. I try not to think about it for the most part but it’s always there.


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