How Dare I Be Still Alive

Sometimes when I tell my truth, I get this said to me –

“If it was so bad, how come you are not dead.”

There is no answer to that.

Maybe it was luck. Maybe I just dodge the bullets.

I am alive, that’s all I can say. But it was not because the sex trade give a damn whether I lived or not.

No, I would surviving the sex trade is inconvenient, and for surviving and choosing to speak out, I am treated as if I would better off dead.

I am not meant to remember what happened to me if I am alive. If I do remember, I should not say out loud and so often.

If I am alive, then my words must be lies or just deluded. My words are not of the common practice of the sex trade, for it cannot be that violent.

To say that violence underpins the sex trade in the vast majority of it’s businesses must show I am mentally ill. For can’t I see it is harmless fun.

And the classic is throw at me, that I enjoy being prostituted, and now I have new friends I am ashamed to admit that.

Well, all I can say that however much supporters of the sex trade try to re-invent my past, I do remember and know that I was tortured, I was raped beyond the point I could count the johns raping me.  I was made to nothing.

And instead of dying, I survive.

Deal with it.

I did not commit suicide. God, I longed for death so much and so often. I did not die, though I lost caring whether I lived. I did cut myself, I did drink to death and I did take overdoses.

But I lived.

I did not die from the injuries that johns put on me. I did not die from being strangled. I did not die as I raped anally till I had a heart attack. I did not die as a john raped me in the mouth, anus, vagina and held my throat. I did not die from all the bashing ups.

I just kept living.

I was not murdered. But I lived in a world where women and girls were murdered by johns, and no-one give a damn.

I give a damn, and in living I will always remember that their lives were stolen.

Being alive and knowing the reality of the sex trade is a very truth.

The whole industry wants to be viewed as just “adult entertainment”, that it has little or no violence, and treats it’s “employees” with respect and dignity.

Women who remember and know the violence and coldness that is the sex trade are destroying that image.

When I speak out, I feel the urgency that so many prostituted women and girls are dying to feed the endless greed of the sex trade.

So,sorry I am not dead. Sorry I am so damned inconvenient.

But I am alive. I will say what I know.

I am going nowhere.

5 responses to “How Dare I Be Still Alive

  1. Standing your ground and speaking your truth. There is so much power in that.

    And at the bottom of every one of those awful questions is the avoidance of looking at the men, the criminals. It shouldn’t be “why, why, why?” to you, but “Why did they do that? Why did those men commit torture? Why did they commit rape? Why did they act out their brutal murderousness?”


  2. That makes me so angry that they would dare say that to you. Nothing that happens to a woman is ever enough to prove that she deserves help and justice. If you get beat up, they want to know why you don’t have bruises, or why the bruises aren’t worse. Or why just bruises–why not broken bones. If you get raped, well it isn’t really rape unless there was a weapon. Or unless it put you in the hospital. Even if you had died, those people would just have found some reason why even death was your own fault. If you were dead, they could forget you. All they mean when they say that is “Why don’t you just shut up.”

    I am so grateful that you are not dead, and that you will not shut up. I am glad you are alive. I am glad you speak your truth. You speak a truth that is known to so many and that will not be silenced. Thank you for being here! And the joker who said that to you . . . well, he’s the one who should put a sock in it. Right after he drinks a big steaming cup of STFU!


  3. Thanks all.

    Delphyne, male violence must be made invisible, coz men cannot be seen as pre-planning to torture and murder prostituted women and girls. Their violence if sen is made into an one-off or coz the men must be mentally ill.
    But easier is invent a lie that prostituted women and girls don’t mind the violence, for it is part of their nature.
    I feel too sick and angry to say any more. Except no-one forces men to torture, rape, mentally abuse and murder prostituted women and girls. They just do it coz they considered them to disposable.

    Thanks so much for your briliant comment Sigaliris.
    I suppose I can never prove that prostitution and porn harmed me, when everything is dismissed as not “bad enough” to make such a fuss.


  4. Yes Rebecca you can’t ‘prove’ the sexual violence those Johns inflicted on you because the prostitution apologists will never accept the truth. Instead they will continue to insist your experiences were outside the norm or were just ‘isolated incidents.’ So, can anyone really prove that a victim of political torture has been harmed? Or was the horror and suffering ‘not really that bad?’

    Delphyne you are quite right whenever the focus is turned on the Johns and we ask why do these Johns inflict such violent and sadistic sexualised suffering on prostituted women, always there is someone who attempts to deflect the focus away from the men and on to women’s supposed accountability. On no account must men be held responsible for their choices and here ‘choices’ is used appropriately. No, because our society is male-defined and male-dominated which means men as a group define themselves as central and criticism cannot be directed at them. Instead they are the ones who criticise and define ‘reality’ which is why some women accept the male definition of women’s reality.

    Rebecca your voice is being heard which is why those prostitution apologists are trying to silence you. But I know you will not be silenced and because the Johns’ sexual violence committed against you did not cause your death, this means you will continue to speak out and challenge the lie that ‘prostitution is not about men raping and committing sexual violence against a certain group of women but instead is just sex work!’

    You’re so right Rebecca – on no account must men be held accountable and responsible for their ‘choosing’ to commit sexual violence against women and children. Ah but such men are obviously sick, mentally ill or monsters – anything in order to deny their accountability.


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