Writing has been very hard recently – rage has taken over my soul, sending me back into deep terror.
I thought if I wrote down some of my rage, face my fear – I can then watch sports in peace.
I deserve rest and pleasure - is that so much to ask for.
It seemed for the majority of exited women from the sex trade that is often beyond our reach.
So are you really surprised we have a rage.
I have a rage, a fury – a volcano inside me of hate and frustration at those who profiteers from the sex trade.
I am not talking about the foot soldiers – those young men that recruit girls into the sex trade, magazines and papers advertising the sex trade, maids easy the way for the sex trade, and everyone who turns a blind eye to the violence and degradation endemic in the sex trade.
They make me angry, they hurt me deeply – but my rage is targeted on the profiteers who destroyed women and girls without getting their hands dirty.
These are men and some women who called it a legitimate business.
They run this “business” from behind desks, they are often the friendly media face of the sex trade.
They are rich, full of glamour, polite, clean-looking, pretence of being a lover of all women. They are acceptable.
Being acceptable is the most effective way to hide the violence, hide the hate, hide the continual disappearance of women and girls.
These profiteers will manipulate language to hide reality.
The daily sexual violence is named work, the woman’s choice, sexual freedom, breaking of taboos.
The closing away from outside world is named protection, they just don’t understand, everyone out there are prudes.
The allowing of physical violence on a regular basis is named as an extra, show you as adventurous, just a game – have you no sense of humour.
Being made into nothing but porn is named being a damned fine worker, knowing your place, and it just fun really.
Profiteers fuck up your mind until a cat becomes a lake.
They told you just enjoy pain – so all injuries, all getting on the edge of death – all that was your free choice.
They told you are sex-crazed – so you must be mad to imagine it may be named raped, abuse or even you might not like it.
They say only bad girls would being doing what you do – so resistance cannot even be imagined.
Profiteers place women and girls into a trap. Then as masters, say look you chose to be here.
I hate them.
One way I know that I have survived, is that I have a rage to each and every john who decided to own me.
I do not care if he give money or not. I do not care if he thought he was gentle or not. I do care if he decided he had brought a girlfriend or not. I do not care if he thought he was a good guy or not.
Part of my survival is knowing each and every one of then treated as their porn-toy, his private sex slave.
Why would I not have a rage about that.
None of them saw me as a human.
Not one would introduce to his friends, not one would get me to meet his mother, none of that dating nonsense for a whore.
How can it be truly human act, when each and every action is just a pause being getting down to fucking the whore.
Some may watch TV with me, only boredom can come fast as they finger-fucked me, kiss me into deadness.
Some wine and dine me – with added humiliation of putting their hands into me, or getting me outside for a fuck against a wall.
Those were johns who would consider themselves to be the good guys – would know I was really turn on by their power-trip.
I hate the good johns with a passion – they are hypocrites.
At least, the bad johns know they are raping, know they are turning the woman and girl into dirt, know she was nothing but his fuck-toy. By christ, they are bastards – but at least they don’t lie.
I wish I could lose some of my rage at the left – but how can I when they continue to sell women and girls from the sex trade down the river.
The biggest victory the sex trade had been getting the Left on their side.
This was achieved by crafting a language that the Left understood – the language of work, the language of women’s rights, the language of empowerment.
This the sex trade embraced with their usual cynicism – but what shock me and many exited women, is that the Left was so eager to be bedfellows with the profiteers of the sex trade.
Look at “Hustler”, as an example.
Larry Flint has the game of being a left-wing hero. He’s not posh like “Playboy” or “Penthouse”, he is just working-class man with basic views on what those men want.
Larry Flint does not give a damned about working-class men, unless it all the dollars they give him every day. He view them as stupid, they are just suckers who make him a billionaire.
But “Hustler” get away with framing itself as leftist, even as radical.
Nothing radical about treating women as fuck-toys, nothing radical about jokes about child rape, nothing radical about dreaming of raping any and every women who dare to even ask for rights.
If you let “Hustler” off the hook – you are saying women are nothing but a sex-toy, that is pretending to care for their rights, if only to shut them up for a bit until they can be well fucked.
The Left with endless stubbornness with not hear or allow that the campaign is a matter of protecting human rights.
Look at the words that are continually buried – torture, industrial raping, brainwashing, Stockholm syndrome, kidnapping, gang-rapes, deadening of the soul, separating mind from body, pain, grief, horror, terror, no hope, murder, suicide and on and on.
Any words that might make the Left uncomfortable – the exited woman must learn not to say. Hell, mustn’t upset the left, that might make them want to change the sex trade completely – even to fight to rid the world of the sex trade.
No, to fit in with too much of Left, the exited woman must speak a language that puts ashes in her mouth.
The language of it was just a hard job, no more no less. If there was unions – then everything would be fine and dandy.
I get a headache – knowing unions are the sex trade’s wet dream.
Unions keep the girls working with the violence and degradation same as usual – but with the outward view of it being clean and safe.
Well it run as clean and safe for johns – no worry about interruptions from police, no worry that he told there things he cannot do.
All that matters is the profit – the whore’s welfare is of no importance.
If the Left are against capitalism – why the fuck do they support the sex trade which all about profit, and wasting the lives of women and girls.
Capitalism is often said to bring about the death of the planet – that is utterly true.
But – the deaths, the torturing and the mental destruction of women and girls is happening every second of every day.
They are goods that are thrown away – whores are viewed as trash.
The trick the sex trade had done is to convince the Left not to care – for it had said the whore chooses her own destruction, so you mustn’t judge.
The trick of the devil was say he didn’t exist.
The trick of the sex trade was to speak of choice, empowerment and liberation – and by christ, the Left is eager to buy into that crap.
Do that, and you are stepping over the millions of bodies of the “goods” that the sex trade has thrown away.
I would consider myself as a very liberal Christian, though very lapsed.
What I cannot stand is when those who say they are religious who use the whore to big themselves up – they speak as fundamentalists, nothing spiritual in their words or actions.
For the religious right, the whore is never real, she is just an image of what a bad woman is – what happens if good women demands too many rights.
She is weak coz she is allows men to fuck her over – but then it must be remembered that the whore is always waiting in the shadows to fuck over the weakness of men’s “need” for sex.
She will steal men from good women, teaching him violence and sex are interconnected, making him know women can viewed just as objects – he would have not known that had he not meet the whore.
She is the serpent, the devil, a siren, a beautiful witch – she will be his death in life.
The religious right have made taking no responsibility to an art form.
As he buys a whore – he will tells himself he was forced into it. As he rapes her – he knows he getting the devil out of himself. As he goes back over and over and over again – he will tell himself he is a sinner who just cannot stop.
What a load of crap.
It is bloody easy to not buy a woman and girl for sex – it just called having a fully formed conscience, and the real religious ability to see the abuse of human right.
The worse betrayal is hearing and reading feminists who make endless excuses for the sex trade.
My rage is huge here – so huge it often falls into silence, scare to show its face.
Firstly, it is ridiculous to framed those who campaign against the sex trade as anti-sex, especially women who survived that world.
Is being anti-rape or anti-child sex abuse being anti-sex.
Is wanting sex to be with full consent being anti-sex.
Is expecting to be more than a porn-toy being anti-sex.
Is knowing murder is not on the agenda being anti-sex.
Is wanting to be viewed as a full human being being anti-sex.
Is not being throwaway goods being anti-sex.
Is having no more sexual torture being anti-sex.
I can go on and on and on – but I think I have made my point.
I love sex, and because I love it – I want to build a world where all sex is about real consent, where each person is seen and known.
That never happens in the sex trade.
Sure there are times when it is easier, when it is relatively safe, even where brief moments of pleasure – but that is not sex, it is always about power and control.
In the end the whore has no rights, no power – she is always there to be used and tossed away.
Feminists who speak in the pro-sex language often used it as a way to guilt-trip other women in believing that they are prudish, slut-blaming, think they are better than other women.
When in my experience, it is the pro-sex feminists who are some of the most judgemental women I have met.
They judge me, because I was not the Happy Hooker. They told me I just unlucky, that I should always remember many sex workers are contented.
They judge women who campaign against the sex trade – saying they are all middle-class, just see views whores as bad women, and are simple-minded do-gooders.
And they judge women in the sex trade – wanting only to see the happy faces, hiding all violence and degradation as an inconvenience.
These feminists are doing a damned fine job for the sex trade.
By saying the sex trade is empowering, it can viewed as feminist now, it always a free choice – they are just recruiting for the sex trade.
I get so angry – that I am speechless.
This post was written from deep pain and grief.
Please think before speak about the sex trade – think for a long time.